I’ve been back in England now for a little over two weeks, and if there’s anything that’s come clear to me since my return, it’s that I’ve suffered more of an ordeal than I give myself credit for. It’s easy when staying at hospital to lose a little focus on reality: you may feel acutely aware of what’s been happening to you, but after living for several weeks in the alternate reality the medical world provides (filled with drugs, uniform surroundings, strict routines, food brought to your bedside, and zero interaction from the outside world), it can be a shock to enter the outside world again and realise just how cut off from normality you’ve been.
Since being home I’ve found myself to be in a bit of a no-mans land. My memories of being in hospital, and also to some extent those of Thailand itself, are fading, and at times it feels like the whole thing was a dream. At the same time it doesn’t quite feel real to be back at home so early either. I have moments where I feel that I shouldn’t be here, that I have unfinished business, and that my whole perspective of events has been completely skewed by recent happenings.
It’s only been in the last few days that I’ve gained any clarity in my thoughts. I still feel constantly tired, mixed with moments of complete restlessness, and find myself unable to focus on anything for any particular length of time. And up to now I’ve found it impossible to allow myself any thoughts about future plans, further travelling, or anything at all to do with what lies ahead. I’ve resigned myself to the fact that the only thoughts that need to cross my mind for now are those of rest and recuperation. Anything else will have to wait.
The nearest thing to a certainty that I have right now, is that my journeys will continue, and will probably do so as soon as I feel fully recovered. I have no idea where I’ll go to next. It may be back to Thailand, to finish what I started, it may be to mainland Europe for a couple of months, or it may be somewhere completely different. Regardless of where it may be, I know with some certainty that it will happen soon enough. I’ve spent far too long (months, years even) planning and looking forward to extended travelling time. I refuse to let three weeks free roaming in Thailand and a subsequent month lying in hospital be my only noteworthy achievements.
So that marks the end of my blog writing, for the time being of course. I could continue and summarise my adventures so far, and wrap up my thoughts with a neat little ending. But I don’t think the time is right for such closure.
To be continued…